So I took the first step - I went and spoke to my vicar.
For anyone unfamiliar with the C of E, that's the first real step to get wheels in motion, and get it out of my head.
It took me ages to work out exactly what to say. I thought, I wrote, I rewrote and I practiced. I got to his house really early for the staff meeting, rehearsing what I was going to say all the way. This was all well and good, until I got in. I sat down, nervous, made some small talk and then, so very embarrassingly, blurted out something virtually incoherent about "vicar" and "explore". If I'm honest, I think he was a little taken aback by my outburst but he didn't seem at all surprised by its content.
Surprised or otherwise, his response to it was not really what I expected, though I suppose maybe I should have. He told me to wait. I know a lot of people are told the same with regard to exploring ministry, but somehow I didn't expect it to be me. I guess this may be to do with the length of time I've been thinking about it, so I just assumed that everyone else has too. Believe me, I know how ridiculous that sounds.
His exact response was that I should wait until next year, so he will have known me 12 months. It's not a long time to wait really, I know that, but to be honest I am still a bit disappointed. I've been warned time and again that nothing moves quickly within the Church of England, so perhaps I should get used to this, maybe?
I suppose I'll just wait and see what the next step will be, and when I can take it.
Friday, 30 October 2015
Saturday, 5 September 2015
So maybe not...
Despite my recent certainty that I at least needed to investigate this calling, after today I wasn't sure.
Today I led my first full service. It was a Messy Church service so some - not me and I hope not you - would say it wasn't a real service. Despite it having all the elements of a regular Sunday worship (songs, prayers, teaching and bring in an actual Church building) some people still insist that it's just a way of getting people to come to 'proper church'. This infuriates me but is a slight tangent to my original point so I'll (to quote Monty Python) get on with it.
Ahem
Today I led and preached at my first full service. I spent weeks preparing exactly what I was going to say, what props, videos and songs was going to use and how I was going to tell the story in an engaging way to children and adults alike. I'd even come up with a creative way of praying with the children that I'd seen used before.
This was my plan. This was going to change the way some of that congregation looked at church and they were going to be so enthused about worship that they were going to commit their lives to serving God through children's and youth work at our church. In theory.
This is NOT what happened.
Disclaimer: it's worth pointing out that I suffer quite badly with anxiety and have an issue with self worth/self belief.
There was chaos. Children screaming, the prayer idea (invisible ink prayers) didn't work, the girls leading the worship were too quiet, I got the timings wrong, people halfway across church couldn't hear me... the list is potentially endless. Suffice to say it was an unmitigated disaster. (Despite this one mum did say she'd really enjoyed the service and that they'd definitely be coming next month).
So I'm left with one enduring thought - how can I be called to lead and manage a whole church when one little service in which I had lots of help, went so catastrophically? I also question what lesson God is trying teach me here, or is this all on me? Today I've really had my belief in my ability to lead called into question. This is worrying as on Thursday (2 days ago) I was all ready to go and speak to the vicar get the ball rolling. If I go and see him now he'll laugh in my face, surely!
Does every fledgling embryonic priest go through this? Do they all have an appalling first service? Was this just a glitch due to being anxious, or is this really beyond my capabilities? Not only do these questions frustrate me as I'll never know the answer, they have caused me to pause and reconsider my calling more carefully. Last week I was so sure but today... I just don't know.
I'd really appreciate your prayers.
Today I led my first full service. It was a Messy Church service so some - not me and I hope not you - would say it wasn't a real service. Despite it having all the elements of a regular Sunday worship (songs, prayers, teaching and bring in an actual Church building) some people still insist that it's just a way of getting people to come to 'proper church'. This infuriates me but is a slight tangent to my original point so I'll (to quote Monty Python) get on with it.
Ahem
Today I led and preached at my first full service. I spent weeks preparing exactly what I was going to say, what props, videos and songs was going to use and how I was going to tell the story in an engaging way to children and adults alike. I'd even come up with a creative way of praying with the children that I'd seen used before.
This was my plan. This was going to change the way some of that congregation looked at church and they were going to be so enthused about worship that they were going to commit their lives to serving God through children's and youth work at our church. In theory.
This is NOT what happened.
Disclaimer: it's worth pointing out that I suffer quite badly with anxiety and have an issue with self worth/self belief.
There was chaos. Children screaming, the prayer idea (invisible ink prayers) didn't work, the girls leading the worship were too quiet, I got the timings wrong, people halfway across church couldn't hear me... the list is potentially endless. Suffice to say it was an unmitigated disaster. (Despite this one mum did say she'd really enjoyed the service and that they'd definitely be coming next month).
So I'm left with one enduring thought - how can I be called to lead and manage a whole church when one little service in which I had lots of help, went so catastrophically? I also question what lesson God is trying teach me here, or is this all on me? Today I've really had my belief in my ability to lead called into question. This is worrying as on Thursday (2 days ago) I was all ready to go and speak to the vicar get the ball rolling. If I go and see him now he'll laugh in my face, surely!
Does every fledgling embryonic priest go through this? Do they all have an appalling first service? Was this just a glitch due to being anxious, or is this really beyond my capabilities? Not only do these questions frustrate me as I'll never know the answer, they have caused me to pause and reconsider my calling more carefully. Last week I was so sure but today... I just don't know.
I'd really appreciate your prayers.
Thursday, 3 September 2015
Hello... Is this thing on?
So... Here goes.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this - whether it's to fuel my own narcisism, or for some misguided ideal that I might help someone starting the same journey as me, or even, heaven forbid, to entertain. All I know is that I am beginning a journey which has the potential to change my life in unimaginable ways.
"What is this journey?" I hear the masses cry out. Well let me tell you, dear reader, let me share with you my world. I am embarking on the road to truly discover what God's purpose is for my life, and what that means both in practical and spiritual terms. It's exciting, it's scary, and, (so far) it's confusing. Right now I'm likening it to a pastime I enjoy, affectionately referred to as "random road tripping". It basically consists of driving round the North of England, following roads that take our fancy, never with a set destination in mind. We often get lost and make U turns, we sometimes find the most amazing gems that nature and civilisation have to offer, and occasionally we find nothing of note but have had fun along the way and head home for tea.
Now you know that bit, let me take you back some time, to give you some background.
Some years ago I started to feel some rumblings somewhere in my soul that I may have a purpose in life other than the banal mundanity (this is now a real word if it wasn't before) of supply teaching and general trudgery of life. I won't say I had a vision, or a message from God, because that's always sounded a bit crazy to me, being from a non Church family and a Church background that doesn't talk about such things, but I had a strange daydream, or thought, or something(not entirely unusual in a brain as chaotic as my own). I was showering, pondering life as one does, when out of the blue I see myself standing at the back of the church in which I then worshipped. The church was empty of people, aside from someone stood behind me. The man, whose face I never saw and whose name I never asked, said simply the words "help them" to me. As he said this, I wasn't afraid or confused; I was calm and felt as though this man spoke an obvious, indisputable fact, as if he'd just commented on the weather. I took this newfound and slightly vague thought to my husband who gave me the appropriate response of a shrug and a noise of some incomprehension.
I tried to put this strange thing out of my mind as just another mental tangent and continue as normal, but something about it stuck in my brain, like when you get a seed stuck in a tooth - you can try to ignore it, or have a vague attempt at removing it, but it's still there and feels so much bigger than it ought to, periodically reminding you of its presence.
So fast forward a few years, 3 house moves, a masters degree, jobs, unemployment, births, deaths, and marriages (none of the last three mine, might I add!) but through it all remained this sense of unease that I could, and should be doing more for God - that I had unused talents, that I was hiding my light without meaning to. I'd led youth groups, I'd done confirmation classes, but somehow that wasn't enough. Enter: my new job.
Scene 2: Daytime, Int, a small bungalow in Lancashire. a young (ish) woman paces the floor much to the frustration of her husband who has seen this scene played out a thousand times before and picked up the pieces - often with a glass of wine. The post job interview lull. The phone rings... and finally, it's good news! (Unless you have experienced the degrading inhumanity of involuntary unemployment you'll struggle to understand the sheer joy, relief and excitement that comes from that one, 3 minute phone call - it's everything.)
So we get to the present day: I work now as a Family and Young People's worker for a CofE church in Lancashire. It's no different to 100 others in many ways but it's utterly unique in one vital aspect: they gave (and continue to give) me a priceless opportunity. Thus far I have welcomed school groups into Church, gone into schools myself and with a group; I have led groups of varying ages and planned for those to come; I have preached at services and I have helped to lead them, I have been a shoulder to cry on and shared in exciting news and there's so much more to come.
I am finally in a place that feels like it's God breathed. I feel like God put me here to do something, and, my word, I intend to do it! This said, it also feels that, more than ever, God is calling me to be more, and so much more. But what? What is it? How will I know? When? How? Why? With whom? Where? I've never felt so alive as when I'm leading people to worship, as I'm so much there with them, or just being with them as they pour out their soul to me, as I offer them nothing more or less than the woman God made me. So please, pull up a chair and join me in what promises to be a long and interesting journey with an, as yet, indefinite end as I attempt to discern where God wants me, and whether I'm up to the challenge.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this - whether it's to fuel my own narcisism, or for some misguided ideal that I might help someone starting the same journey as me, or even, heaven forbid, to entertain. All I know is that I am beginning a journey which has the potential to change my life in unimaginable ways.
"What is this journey?" I hear the masses cry out. Well let me tell you, dear reader, let me share with you my world. I am embarking on the road to truly discover what God's purpose is for my life, and what that means both in practical and spiritual terms. It's exciting, it's scary, and, (so far) it's confusing. Right now I'm likening it to a pastime I enjoy, affectionately referred to as "random road tripping". It basically consists of driving round the North of England, following roads that take our fancy, never with a set destination in mind. We often get lost and make U turns, we sometimes find the most amazing gems that nature and civilisation have to offer, and occasionally we find nothing of note but have had fun along the way and head home for tea.
Now you know that bit, let me take you back some time, to give you some background.
Some years ago I started to feel some rumblings somewhere in my soul that I may have a purpose in life other than the banal mundanity (this is now a real word if it wasn't before) of supply teaching and general trudgery of life. I won't say I had a vision, or a message from God, because that's always sounded a bit crazy to me, being from a non Church family and a Church background that doesn't talk about such things, but I had a strange daydream, or thought, or something(not entirely unusual in a brain as chaotic as my own). I was showering, pondering life as one does, when out of the blue I see myself standing at the back of the church in which I then worshipped. The church was empty of people, aside from someone stood behind me. The man, whose face I never saw and whose name I never asked, said simply the words "help them" to me. As he said this, I wasn't afraid or confused; I was calm and felt as though this man spoke an obvious, indisputable fact, as if he'd just commented on the weather. I took this newfound and slightly vague thought to my husband who gave me the appropriate response of a shrug and a noise of some incomprehension.
I tried to put this strange thing out of my mind as just another mental tangent and continue as normal, but something about it stuck in my brain, like when you get a seed stuck in a tooth - you can try to ignore it, or have a vague attempt at removing it, but it's still there and feels so much bigger than it ought to, periodically reminding you of its presence.
So fast forward a few years, 3 house moves, a masters degree, jobs, unemployment, births, deaths, and marriages (none of the last three mine, might I add!) but through it all remained this sense of unease that I could, and should be doing more for God - that I had unused talents, that I was hiding my light without meaning to. I'd led youth groups, I'd done confirmation classes, but somehow that wasn't enough. Enter: my new job.
Scene 2: Daytime, Int, a small bungalow in Lancashire. a young (ish) woman paces the floor much to the frustration of her husband who has seen this scene played out a thousand times before and picked up the pieces - often with a glass of wine. The post job interview lull. The phone rings... and finally, it's good news! (Unless you have experienced the degrading inhumanity of involuntary unemployment you'll struggle to understand the sheer joy, relief and excitement that comes from that one, 3 minute phone call - it's everything.)
So we get to the present day: I work now as a Family and Young People's worker for a CofE church in Lancashire. It's no different to 100 others in many ways but it's utterly unique in one vital aspect: they gave (and continue to give) me a priceless opportunity. Thus far I have welcomed school groups into Church, gone into schools myself and with a group; I have led groups of varying ages and planned for those to come; I have preached at services and I have helped to lead them, I have been a shoulder to cry on and shared in exciting news and there's so much more to come.
I am finally in a place that feels like it's God breathed. I feel like God put me here to do something, and, my word, I intend to do it! This said, it also feels that, more than ever, God is calling me to be more, and so much more. But what? What is it? How will I know? When? How? Why? With whom? Where? I've never felt so alive as when I'm leading people to worship, as I'm so much there with them, or just being with them as they pour out their soul to me, as I offer them nothing more or less than the woman God made me. So please, pull up a chair and join me in what promises to be a long and interesting journey with an, as yet, indefinite end as I attempt to discern where God wants me, and whether I'm up to the challenge.
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