Despite my recent certainty that I at least needed to investigate this calling, after today I wasn't sure.
Today I led my first full service. It was a Messy Church service so some - not me and I hope not you - would say it wasn't a real service. Despite it having all the elements of a regular Sunday worship (songs, prayers, teaching and bring in an actual Church building) some people still insist that it's just a way of getting people to come to 'proper church'. This infuriates me but is a slight tangent to my original point so I'll (to quote Monty Python) get on with it.
Ahem
Today I led and preached at my first full service. I spent weeks preparing exactly what I was going to say, what props, videos and songs was going to use and how I was going to tell the story in an engaging way to children and adults alike. I'd even come up with a creative way of praying with the children that I'd seen used before.
This was my plan. This was going to change the way some of that congregation looked at church and they were going to be so enthused about worship that they were going to commit their lives to serving God through children's and youth work at our church. In theory.
This is NOT what happened.
Disclaimer: it's worth pointing out that I suffer quite badly with anxiety and have an issue with self worth/self belief.
There was chaos. Children screaming, the prayer idea (invisible ink prayers) didn't work, the girls leading the worship were too quiet, I got the timings wrong, people halfway across church couldn't hear me... the list is potentially endless. Suffice to say it was an unmitigated disaster. (Despite this one mum did say she'd really enjoyed the service and that they'd definitely be coming next month).
So I'm left with one enduring thought - how can I be called to lead and manage a whole church when one little service in which I had lots of help, went so catastrophically? I also question what lesson God is trying teach me here, or is this all on me? Today I've really had my belief in my ability to lead called into question. This is worrying as on Thursday (2 days ago) I was all ready to go and speak to the vicar get the ball rolling. If I go and see him now he'll laugh in my face, surely!
Does every fledgling embryonic priest go through this? Do they all have an appalling first service? Was this just a glitch due to being anxious, or is this really beyond my capabilities? Not only do these questions frustrate me as I'll never know the answer, they have caused me to pause and reconsider my calling more carefully. Last week I was so sure but today... I just don't know.
I'd really appreciate your prayers.
"Does every fledgling embryonic priest go through this? Do they all have an appalling first service?" Well, not necessarily the first one . . . but if they don't have a few disasters before too long then something's definitely wrong ;) Leading worship in an environment like Messy Church is like doing stand - up comedy - you couldn't be asked to command the attention of a more challenging audience. The brilliant thing is that you can see where you think it went wrong. So long as you've got the courage to get back on the horse - and if I know you you have - you'll know exactly what to prepare for,and it will go much better in those respects - even if some new challenges pop up to hit you! The last thing we need from a priest is that they be slick and professional. Presentation techniques can be learnt; humility, humour and a sense of unworthiness yet vocation - all demonstrated in spades in this blog post - can't. But that's the qualities I'd be looking for. You're definitely not off the hook - sorry :) xxxxx
ReplyDeleteWell I guess it was worth a shot!
DeleteThank you. It's good to hear that from someone who knows me well :)